Overwhelmed

Good Friday, April 10, 2020

The other day I was out walking on the trails and called out “Hello!” to a neighbor. My neighbor completely ignored me and I immediately wondered what I had done to offend her. I was glad to see her! Why did she snub me? The truth is, I was hurt.

It is human nature to think of ourselves first. We inevitably wonder, “What did I do wrong?” It takes emotional maturity to step back and look at the big picture. In this particular case, it is highly likely that my neighbor was being very careful about social distancing and reacted to my perceived movement toward her by moving away. I didn’t do anything wrong; she was just exercising an abundance of caution.

I recognize that I had such a strong response because of the unprecedented times in which we are living. My cognitive and emotional processes are overloaded right now, and my initial reactions are often irrational. It is as if I have reverted to my insecure teenage self who sees every pimple and imperfection in the mirror and wonders if anyone will ever love me. Right now it takes a great deal of energy to be fully present in the current moment.

When we are under times of great stress, experiencing dramatic changes in our daily routines and having to process new information every day, we simply don’t have the bandwidth to assess our emotions and reflect deeply on what we are experiencing. Our brains literally do not have the capacity. Often we feel foggy brained and unproductive. We go through the motions, but struggle to find meaning.

This stay-at-home order has given many of us an incredible gift – the gift of time. Time to sit quietly, or go for a walk, or work in the garden, and forgive ourselves for not being able to process everything that is going on right now. Time to grieve – to acknowledge our confusion and denial, to wrestle with our anger and loneliness, to accept our depression and anxiety. (These responses are normal!) We have been given time to step back, maybe sleep more, and carve out space to let the Holy Spirit do her healing work in us.

Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world...

Of course, I’m struggling to forgive myself for not making the most of this time. I haven’t figured out how to carve out that space to let the Holy Spirit work. So for today, on this Good Friday, I will look to the cross. There is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! May that truth sink deeply into my soul this day – for certainly it is enough.