Knots

April 25, 2020

This is my brain. Actually, the knot feels a lot tighter and a lot bigger. A little bit like a charley horse in my brain. Clearly I’ve either been exercising my brain too much or I’m dehydrated. Or both.

I’ve never drawn a brain before. I seriously thought about drawing a side view so it would be more recognizable, but the knot is smack dab in the center of my forehead – the prefrontal cortex – and the image had to have that knot.

The prefrontal cortex is the problem-solving, decision-making, goal-setting part of the brain. It makes perfect sense that this part of my brain is tied in knots. I’m on overload. Trying to take in all the changes in my life – our lives! Trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Trying to stay healthy. Trying to make sense of the world today.

But two plus two doesn’t seem to be adding up to four and my rational mind can’t figure out why. And no amount of puzzling seems to lead to a solution. It’s a bit like non-Euclidian geometry where triangles can have three right angles. “Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas any more.”

This week I started meditating again. I knew I had to change something or that knot would get so tight I’d never be able to loosen it. I’m discovering that meditation is a bit like massage. I’m learning to relax my brain little by little. I’m learning to let God be the center of my world. I’m learning to let go of those things I cannot control. I’m learning to listen to my body.

Two plus two still doesn’t seem to equal four. My brain still feels foggy. I’m having trouble concentrating. And my brain is exhausted. But there is hope. That knot is loosening a little bit.  And for right now this is enough.